I gave birth to my son six months ago. We’ve spent most of these last months (blessedly) together. It’s amazing! I’ve never felt love like this, he’s my heart embodied, I could stare at him all day, his every move delights me, etc. But sometime after the beginning of the new year, I realized I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating Snickers, trolling Facebook and mom-bitching to anyone who would listen. And, it was 10:00 am. And it was Everyday.
At first, I settled on, yup, welcome to motherhood. Might as well resign yourself to a low-level, constant feeling of annoyed resentment at wiping (and wearing) spit-up, folding tiny pants, endlessly loading and unloading the dishwasher, struggling to get wildly kicking feet out of poop and into socks, and dressing like a homeless yoga teacher.
Oh, not to mention isolation, marital tension and the constant drone of ‘you’re not doing this right/you’re screwing it up/something’s probably fundamentally wrong with you if you don’t feel fulfilled by this Mom business.’
This is what you wanted Girl. This is what you asked for. So suck it up. Because if you don’t, if you start questioning the greatest blessing of your life (but how can I quantify the blessings in my life…my man, my son, my health, my family, friends, my spiritual revelation so far, dance, sunlight, Spring blossoms, deep sleep, warm clothes, etc.) you’re a bad woman – a bad mamma.
Hold up! Wake up Girl! Look at this Boy’s eyes. Check out his delight in EVERYTHING around him. Check out the World’s delight in him. Astound in his energy, development and enthusiasm. He is a tiny manifestation of Universal Love. AND he’s watching how you shine the same way you watch him. So…how are you shining?
How can I teach this little guy to dream big, act from love and joy and get after his birthright of deep fulfillment if I’m not dreaming big, acting from love and joy and GETTING AFTER MY BIRTHRIGHT of deep fulfillment!?
You know change is coming when not shining your light becomes more painful than the fear of letting it loose. So, time to get moving.
My mind is a brainstorm: wholeness, teaching, coaching, writing, business-building, Mamma-ness, food (as usual), healing, Woman, seeking light, dancing, connecting, Priestess, having fun, creating sacred space, JOY, shedding what is old, boring, stale, painful, annoying and dusty, inside and outside of me. Who cares who cares. It is time to act.
~the why nots~
i care what you think
If you don’t like me, don’t agree with me, don’t love me, talk about me, leave me, I feel shaken up, insecure, worried. I scramble to shore up your perception of Me with self-centered, un-authentic acts of manipulation, usually sweet and minor, sometimes rude and bold, never elegant. I don’t do what I am called to do, I play small, apologize and laugh nervously. You probably still don’t like me. And neither do I.
it’s all been done before
But not the way I’m going to do it.
someone else is better at it
But I’m starting. So I’m going to learn. How cool to be at the top of your game. How lonely to have no one to look up to. I’m rooting for all of us.
it might be awkward down the line
Probably the same way these throw back Hammer pants I’ve been rocking all month will. So what. They feel current, stylish and fun right now.
i don’t know what i’m doing
Neither does my infant son. That sure doesn’t stop him.
~the why HELL YESs~
G*D doesn’t F up
i have been packaged perfectly and inside of me [and you and you and you!] are gifts that need giving. IT IS TRAGIC/A WASTE/SELFISH to keep treasures locked up for a lifetime. Certainly someone will delight in them. Did I mention the packaging is perfect?
i want to…it FEELS GOOD
Writing this was fun, and when I saw my man afterwards, he was all ‘Baby, you look so good right now.’ Coincidence? Let’s just say, I am vibrating at a much higher level than I was last week on the couch alone with my Snickers.
it’ll just keep nagging…it’s a tug from the Divine
Looking my last post from over a year ago, just before I found out I was pregnant, I basically said the exact same thing. The same lessons will just keep coming until they’re learned (and I believe, if I don’t open myself up to learning them, they’ll end up making me sick).
Action is a must…maybe just something tiny that I do (or don’t do) today to allow myself to be pulled forward, to be stretched. For me, currently, this means:
- Let LOVE set the tone
- BREATHE all the time
- Seek out women who inspire me
- Pay attention to my INNER desires/loves/turn-ons
- Speak with clarity and care
- Ask for help with business building
- WRITE content
- Nourish and move my body
- SHED and DITCH: everything that isn’t super functional, a true treasure or treat, doesn’t make me feel proud, sexy and ready to go
I’m not sure what I’m creating or what’s coming, but be on lookout (or don’t), because (much) more is coming from me.
What’s in the way of your light beam? Why not clear it right away? As always, I’m here to help. xox